Calligraphy is accomplishment
burned and etched into lambskin paper
lining ancient walls, modern minds.
Axis titled, the earth is crooked,
like melting clocks and bacon, but we
are the ones bending lines.
Stoking henna flavor down mathematic
backs, nothings sketching somethings.
Recreation at its finest, one man can
lift himself up by his shoelaces.
Untie them, rip gravity free
and pen it all in thin air.
(It’ll only disappear)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Now I know what I'm going to vote for in next year's YWS Awards.
Like Sam, I will point out some strong points, and some really strong weak points
There's something about the 'henna' line that I just don't like. Probably the 'flavor'...Anywho, the other line might get confusing to some people, since they might be wondering if you meant 'nothing is sketching something'
Weird, yet strangely awesome. Best part in the whole poem.
*whistles*
All right; I give up. No more writing poetry when I could be reading stuff like this. I agree with everything Sam says - especially the part about 'stoking henna flavor down mathematic backs.' Gorgeous. Oh, and kudos always go to anyone with a nod for Dali. =)
Thanks, Sam! I was rather proud of this poem, and I'm thankful for the input. I'd hate to say this, but it was actually pretty pessimistic. I was implying more that the writing was useless (fading away) and we wasted far too much time on beauty. Then, on the other hand, I was also implying that it was something to be treasured, but perhaps not idolized and made a priority...as it is.
Tell me, why has no one critiqued this?
It also goes hand in hand with the last line 'It'll all disappear', since henna washes off after awhile.
Okay, so...I'm not normally a gushy person. I've never written a 'It's good! Write more!' critique in my life (at least I like to think I haven't).
But this was beautiful.
And since I can't find anything that I didn't like, I shall tell you what I did like.
- Your first line. I think it's really a line that means a lot to writers like ourselves- and it's just pretty darn cool, no matter which way you go about it.
- 'Like melting clocks' I could have expected, but crooked like bacon? That's original- and sort of thought-provoking- without breaking the flow of the poem. An accomplishment if I ever did see one.
- 'stoking henna flavor down mathematic backs' was an extremely awesome line that made a point (at least to me) that there's writing in everything. Which is pretty comforting, if you think about it.
Perhaps meaning 'nothing is permanent'? Hah! You tricked us into thinking.
OH MY GOD! I FOUND A SPACE FOR NITPICKS:
- 'Recreation at it's finest' should be 'Recreation at its finest'. Simple stuff.
- Also, I think you should combine the the sentences that end with 'shoelaces' and begins with 'untie'. It would help flow- something you've done really well up to this point.
-end nitpicks-
And then...you've got the last line. So simple, but it makes an impact- especially when it's separated from the rest of the poem. Excellent job on that.
Whew, that was a first...